Community. 

When someone finds out I’m moving, they often ask me “why” or “what’s in Texas?” And I haven’t been able to give much of an answer outside of “it’s not Indiana” or “I’ve always wanted to live somewhere else.”

The closer the move gets too, I find myself checking and double checking my reasons for wanting to go so badly. It isn’t like being in a new state, in a new city, is going to solve my depression. It isn’t like it’ll be easy or that I know that many people there, or all of my Trump anxieties will disappear. So why do it? What am I hoping to find there that I haven’t been able to get here? 

The answer is community. A support system of some sort. Friends. Human connections that have evaded me in so many ways in the life I live in Indiana. 

The times in my life when I have been the happiest and the most fulfilled, besides when writing of course, were times when I belonged to a group or had a small network of friends. When I was part of a dance company. When I was a youth at IYG after I came out. When I accidentally stumbled upon two great people who eventually became close friends. When I’m surrounded by friends and family at my second family’s house. When I was unofficially adopted into a big loud family that loved me as much as I loved them. 

People come and go, I know that as well as anyone, and because I know it so well, I have a hard time trusting people. For instance, I have friends in TX, but already I’m afraid of burdening them, of wanting to hang out too much or saying the wrong thing or just not being good enough in general. I’m already anticipating the day when our friendship ends. I’m already anticipating the day I form a new group of friends I haven’t met yet that then will at some point also dissolve and leave me right back where I started. By myself. 

I’ve done everything in power over the past 3 years to make sure I can survive with only myself to count on. Now I know I can. But I also know that being that alone, that lonely, changes something in a person. We are solitary creatures by nature. We, I, need to feel like I have support and a sense of belonging to thrive. 

So that’s what I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll find it, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ve been alone too long already and broke the part of me that used to relate to people and therefore will have to live like this forever. I’m not gonna lie to you, I don’t know if that’s something I can do. But there’s no reason to worry about that yet. 

I have to go down there first.

I have to at least try. 

A Light. 

I think I decided not to break today…

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way stories, movies, books, music, etc can make us feel, and I don’t think it’s something I ever want to get used to. 

I hope that it never ceases to amaze me when I pick up just the right book, or the perfect song for the moment comes on. For me, to survive, I need there to always be movies that can bring forth emotions and revelations that I’ve been ignoring or pushing down in my day to day life. 

Today, for the first time in a long time, because of a movie, I started thinking about the future again. About the possibility of my future and what it can be and what I want it to be. For so long I’ve been living day to day, struggling to get through it all and hoping it passes quickly and painlessly. 

But it’s been killing me. 

Sure there’s the plan to move to Texas, this Hail Mary jump into the unknown to jumpstart my life after it came to a screeching halt almost 4 years ago. But it never felt real. And even when it started to, I was still so much in the dark that I didn’t think anything could save me, even that, and I didn’t know if I wanted it to. 

This dark cloud following me around has been my best friend for longer than I can remember. It’s started to consume me, to put thoughts in my head that I know aren’t coming from me. Not only that, but I’ve been scared of the way our world is changing and how quickly it’s all happening. I’ve been torn between wanting to fight and wanting to hide. 

But today I realized that, first and foremost, I want to live. 

And not more than 3 seconds after that realization hit me, Sia’s “Reaper” started to play and I started to feel like maybe things are going to get better. Maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel after all. 

“You came to take me away

So close I was to heaven’s gates

But, no, baby, no, baby, not today

Oh, you tried to track me down

You followed me like the darkest cloud

Oh, reaper….

So come back when I’m good and old
I got drinks to drink, and men to hold

I got good things to do with my life, yeah

Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze

Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing

I got good things to feel in my life,…

Don’t come for me today

I’m feeling good, let me savour it….” -Reaper-Sia 

Jumbo Shrimp

Today I battled a disgruntled middle aged man to defend our dearly beloved Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimps…and the shrimps themselves came to my rescue. 

I should probably explain. 

I listen to this podcast on Cave Comedy Radio (check them out they have a ton of awesome podcasts and I love them) called The Roundtable of Gentlemen. A couple of months ago one of the news stories they covered was about a small baseball team in Jacksonville, Florida that changed its name from The Suns to The Jumbo Shrimp. 

The podcast being the ridiculous riot that it is spontaneously came up with a song for the team. 

“We are the jumbo shrimp, here to play a game! *whip sound* ahhaaaaa!”

It’s pretty catchy. 

So naturally the podcast listeners took to the Jumbo Shrimp Facebook page to share the song and bring some much needed positivity to the team’s new identity. All good right? Except some people are still a little grumpy about the name change and didn’t approve of my enthusiasm. 


Thankfully, the Jumbo Shrimp are proud and accepting of all members of the proud Crustacean Nation and quickly came to my defense. 😂 

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, this might have been the weirdest fight I’ve ever been in with the most unique defender but hey, gotta keep things interesting and fun and accepting where and when we can these days, right? 

A Tale of Unrequited Like

Apparently Valentine’s Day isn’t too far away, at least according to the seasonal candy aisle at my local grocery store, but I am happy to be spending this one alone. I’ve been single for awhile, mostly by choice, because what’s the point in starting up a potential relationship when you’re planning to move (ALONE) 1,000 miles away. Even if I had met a girl, I have no interest in dragging someone else along with me to TX when it’s something I  know I need, and want, to do alone.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have the occasional crush, and one in particular has stuck around for a few years now…
There’s this writer/personality/awesome person whom we’ll call Dawn for anonymity’s sake (and to save me some embarrassment if hell ever freezes over and she reads this). So, this Dawn and I have a lot in common; we’re both writers, we’re both adorable, we’re both outspoken about mental health, and care about women’s issues, etc. We’ve met in person briefly but I’ve also talked one on one with her several times online and through email.

I wasn’t quite sure what to do next or how to even tell her that I’d like to get to know her better, because I didn’t want to come off as creepy or weird, but I’m super awkward so I can’t guarantee that still didn’t happen despite my best efforts. So, I went my usual route and just told the truth (well, not about the crush part). I asked if I could get to know her better and was semi-rejected. She said we could be online friends. So I guess, not a no in many ways, but also yes a very firm no.

Which I totally get, we live in different parts of the country, even though our paths cross often, and from the outside I probably just seem like a weird awkward fan of some sort. So, it is what is. But now I don’t know what to do. I feel weird interacting with her online. Also, I can’t help but feel like if maybe I were more on her level career-wise, she might have given me more of a chance at us getting to know each other, even as just friends – which is totally fine. I’m aware that I’m a nobody right now with big dreams and a life in transition, but that won’t always be the case.

So, here’s to hoping. Here’s to continuing to respect her and her work and hoping that maybe one day, when we’re more evenly matched, our paths will cross again and she’ll see me, instead of seeing through me. i-love-dreaming-daydreaming-20470827-500-280

 

Just Random Thoughts

Alright folks, I’m only 18 days away from being free from my lease and moving out of the apartment I’ve lived in for the past 3 years! Next stop is crashing in a room at my brother’s house until mid to late April (I have to stick around for a wedding and baby shower).
And then…I’m out. It’s so close but still too far away and the excitement is really starting to creep in. So, yay!

I’m not sure what’s going to come next yet, I’m just taking it a day at a time right now; working, packing, and saving as much money as possible. To be honest, I feel like this move is kind of a Hail Mary for me. Things have been so dark and difficult lately that the only way out right now is to make a drastic change and completely remove myself from my comfort zone.
So, here goes nothing.

Also, I’ve been having a hard time writing lately. It’s a destructive cycle too because when I don’t write I feel listless, unfulfilled, and lazy, and when I do write I feel accomplished, happy, content. And yet there are so many times when no matter how much I want to write, I can’t bring myself to sit down and do it. So I guess that’s something I want to work on this year, maybe setting a schedule that I can stick to in order to train myself to sit down and write more often.
Either way I need to step up my game in a lot of areas in my life, because I turn 30 this year and while I’m not anxious or upset about it, there are a lot of things I want to do before that day comes.

Choices

I had three choices when I woke up this morning. I could not write at all. I could write something fluffy and pretend to feel better than I do today. Or..I could tell the truth. 
In most cases in my life, I prefer the truth above all else, no matter how awful. But that doesn’t mean that anyone else cares about MY truth, especially when it’s steeped in depression. My first instinct this morning was to keep it to myself. Except, that’s what I’ve been doing, for years, and it isn’t working. So maybe being open about it will help, at the very least, be different than keeping it in. 

The truth is, today is hard. Despite some crazy, but interesting and almost fun, dreams, I woke up in a dark place. Anxiety about moving ruminated in my mind and a depression settled over me so heavily, I didn’t want to move. 

My first thought was, i don’t want to move to TX. Not because I don’t want to live there, I do, but because I’m going to have to have roommates, which will require me to interact with people and be around them a million times more than I do now. While I know in my head that this is actually a good thing, something I need, I wasn’t feeling it this morning. 

Now some people might be concerned at those thoughts. “Are you having second thoughts on moving?” “Are you going to stay?” “Are you afraid it’s not really want you want?” No. To all 3, no. And here’s why….

I know myself well enough by now to, usually, know when it’s the depression talking. And that was confirmed when I realized that my thought process this morning wasn’t just “I don’t want to move apts,” it was also “I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or live anywhere or talk to anyone.” So yeah, bit of a red flag. 

For awhile I was starting to feel better and a lot of the time I still do, but every once in awhile the lingering black cloud will make an appearance and I’ll find myself going through the motions of a normal human. 

So, I dunno what I hope to accomplish with this, other than to pull back the veil a little and be more open about what’s really going on, be it for myself or for others who might feel similarly. I’m not going to give up, no matter how awful it feels today, but instead will try to counteract the sad by listening to comedy or getting lost in a book. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. 

I’m going to die alone.

So, I started talking to this girl a few days ago, who is my exact opposite in every way, which is cool, fine, not a deal breaker. The problem is that I have a hard time relating to people, especially when they have certain characteristics or, in this case, are just flat out racists, which I didn’t find out until today, but that’s another story.

This girl and I, we’ll call her Jackie, have been texting back and forth for about a week. There are a few minor red flags, nothing to worry too much about at first, until she started messaging me yesterday. Unprompted, Jackie sent me 10 separate text messages explaining that she’d gotten into a fight with her friend’s family because they said something mean to her and she threatened to beat them up, and nobody should poke the bear. There was a winky face in there somewhere too but honestly I stopped reading after 2 messages of what looked like a plot line from Jerry Springer.
Her last message of the bunch said, and I’m quoting here, “aren’t you glad I put that bitch in her place?”

I just stared at my phone, mildly disgusted. Uhh…no, I thought. What is even happening? In what world would I be happy that one, you’re calling this girl a bitch, two, you’re fighting with someone over something stupid in a really undignified way, and three, you threatened physical violence on her. Oh yes! Throw me over  your shoulder and take me to your cave, madam, I can’t wait! NOOOOOOO.

Instead of responding to these messages, I picked up my phone using the tips of my thumb and middle finger and tossed it on the seat next to me because frankly I was a little grossed out and afraid that my phone had somehow been contaminated by the whole situation. I never responded to her question.

Fast forward to the next day, yesterday, when she started texting me again. Instead of a greeting or a good morning text, she opened with a “so when are we going to hook up?” text. Classy, I know. And I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with stuff like this when I started dating women. *sigh*
I was annoyed by then, and still completely put off and turned off, by yesterday’s conversation, but I decided to answer anyways. I responded with something along the lines of “I don’t know, it would be something we would have to work towards.”

Jackie was not a fan. She decided it was a good idea to follow up with “it’s not like I need permission, it’s hotter when you just take what you want.”
Okay so, logically, I knew what she was trying to say, but that would require me to give her the benefit of the doubt, which I didn’t feel much like doing. So, I pressed the issue.

“Um, no. You need consent. In any and all situations.”

She sent an eye roll emoji and explained that obviously she wasn’t just going to go around grabbing people, and then somehow Donald Trump was brought into the conversation and his tendency to “grab” things without permission. Let me tell you, nothing kills a mood faster than bringing up Donald Trump. Not that there was a mood to kill in the first place because, please, that is not happening, but you get the point.

Needless to say, I have no intention of ever hanging out with this person, let alone hooking up with them. I’m sorry this post is so long but I felt the need to demonstrate the kind of people that apparently I’m attracting. Honestly, if this is all there is out there and I can’t just find a nice, feminist, butch woman that doesn’t want to fight people or send semi-rapey text messages, then I’m more than happy to die alone. Besides, by that time I’ll have a few dogs and a cat or two by my side and who’s to say it’s not way better to die surrounded by animals than by people who might suck?