Just Updates

Well, I’m officially out of my apartment and in my brother’s house with him and his roommate for the next couple of months. I’m not gonna lie, it feels pretty amazing to be out of that place. I’m grateful for that experience and the sense of accomplishment that came along with it, but towards the end it became a symbol of my own loneliness and I started to feel suffocated.

Things aren’t perfect now that I’m away from it of course, but being around other people most of the time helps. Even when no one is at the house, just knowing that later on they’ll be home or sitting down and watching a movie together when everyone is there, has done wonders. I don’t feel so alone. Most of the time.

For the other times, and to help give myself as much of a chance at success in TX as possible, I decided to go back to counseling. It’s only been one session so far and we don’t have a lot of time, being that I’m leaving towards the end of April, but already it is helping to challenge the thoughts ruminating in my mind. I’m hoping to get out from under this black cloud following me and I know so much of it has to do with the way I think and live day to day. So, here’s to hoping it helps and I’ll be able to move with my head just a little bit clearer.

So that’s that as far as updates, there isn’t much else going on right now.
Oh! Except that I saw Get Out the movie yesterday and it was fucking awesome. It was really smart and scary and also hilarious and everyone should go see it immediately. <3!

 

Community. 

When someone finds out I’m moving, they often ask me “why” or “what’s in Texas?” And I haven’t been able to give much of an answer outside of “it’s not Indiana” or “I’ve always wanted to live somewhere else.”

The closer the move gets too, I find myself checking and double checking my reasons for wanting to go so badly. It isn’t like being in a new state, in a new city, is going to solve my depression. It isn’t like it’ll be easy or that I know that many people there, or all of my Trump anxieties will disappear. So why do it? What am I hoping to find there that I haven’t been able to get here? 

The answer is community. A support system of some sort. Friends. Human connections that have evaded me in so many ways in the life I live in Indiana. 

The times in my life when I have been the happiest and the most fulfilled, besides when writing of course, were times when I belonged to a group or had a small network of friends. When I was part of a dance company. When I was a youth at IYG after I came out. When I accidentally stumbled upon two great people who eventually became close friends. When I’m surrounded by friends and family at my second family’s house. When I was unofficially adopted into a big loud family that loved me as much as I loved them. 

People come and go, I know that as well as anyone, and because I know it so well, I have a hard time trusting people. For instance, I have friends in TX, but already I’m afraid of burdening them, of wanting to hang out too much or saying the wrong thing or just not being good enough in general. I’m already anticipating the day when our friendship ends. I’m already anticipating the day I form a new group of friends I haven’t met yet that then will at some point also dissolve and leave me right back where I started. By myself. 

I’ve done everything in power over the past 3 years to make sure I can survive with only myself to count on. Now I know I can. But I also know that being that alone, that lonely, changes something in a person. We are solitary creatures by nature. We, I, need to feel like I have support and a sense of belonging to thrive. 

So that’s what I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll find it, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ve been alone too long already and broke the part of me that used to relate to people and therefore will have to live like this forever. I’m not gonna lie to you, I don’t know if that’s something I can do. But there’s no reason to worry about that yet. 

I have to go down there first.

I have to at least try. 

A Light. 

I think I decided not to break today…

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way stories, movies, books, music, etc can make us feel, and I don’t think it’s something I ever want to get used to. 

I hope that it never ceases to amaze me when I pick up just the right book, or the perfect song for the moment comes on. For me, to survive, I need there to always be movies that can bring forth emotions and revelations that I’ve been ignoring or pushing down in my day to day life. 

Today, for the first time in a long time, because of a movie, I started thinking about the future again. About the possibility of my future and what it can be and what I want it to be. For so long I’ve been living day to day, struggling to get through it all and hoping it passes quickly and painlessly. 

But it’s been killing me. 

Sure there’s the plan to move to Texas, this Hail Mary jump into the unknown to jumpstart my life after it came to a screeching halt almost 4 years ago. But it never felt real. And even when it started to, I was still so much in the dark that I didn’t think anything could save me, even that, and I didn’t know if I wanted it to. 

This dark cloud following me around has been my best friend for longer than I can remember. It’s started to consume me, to put thoughts in my head that I know aren’t coming from me. Not only that, but I’ve been scared of the way our world is changing and how quickly it’s all happening. I’ve been torn between wanting to fight and wanting to hide. 

But today I realized that, first and foremost, I want to live. 

And not more than 3 seconds after that realization hit me, Sia’s “Reaper” started to play and I started to feel like maybe things are going to get better. Maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel after all. 

“You came to take me away

So close I was to heaven’s gates

But, no, baby, no, baby, not today

Oh, you tried to track me down

You followed me like the darkest cloud

Oh, reaper….

So come back when I’m good and old
I got drinks to drink, and men to hold

I got good things to do with my life, yeah

Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze

Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing

I got good things to feel in my life,…

Don’t come for me today

I’m feeling good, let me savour it….” -Reaper-Sia