Jumbo Shrimp

Today I battled a disgruntled middle aged man to defend our dearly beloved Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimps…and the shrimps themselves came to my rescue. 

I should probably explain. 

I listen to this podcast on Cave Comedy Radio (check them out they have a ton of awesome podcasts and I love them) called The Roundtable of Gentlemen. A couple of months ago one of the news stories they covered was about a small baseball team in Jacksonville, Florida that changed its name from The Suns to The Jumbo Shrimp. 

The podcast being the ridiculous riot that it is spontaneously came up with a song for the team. 

“We are the jumbo shrimp, here to play a game! *whip sound* ahhaaaaa!”

It’s pretty catchy. 

So naturally the podcast listeners took to the Jumbo Shrimp Facebook page to share the song and bring some much needed positivity to the team’s new identity. All good right? Except some people are still a little grumpy about the name change and didn’t approve of my enthusiasm. 


Thankfully, the Jumbo Shrimp are proud and accepting of all members of the proud Crustacean Nation and quickly came to my defense. 😂 

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, this might have been the weirdest fight I’ve ever been in with the most unique defender but hey, gotta keep things interesting and fun and accepting where and when we can these days, right? 

A Tale of Unrequited Like

Apparently Valentine’s Day isn’t too far away, at least according to the seasonal candy aisle at my local grocery store, but I am happy to be spending this one alone. I’ve been single for awhile, mostly by choice, because what’s the point in starting up a potential relationship when you’re planning to move (ALONE) 1,000 miles away. Even if I had met a girl, I have no interest in dragging someone else along with me to TX when it’s something I  know I need, and want, to do alone.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have the occasional crush, and one in particular has stuck around for a few years now…
There’s this writer/personality/awesome person whom we’ll call Dawn for anonymity’s sake (and to save me some embarrassment if hell ever freezes over and she reads this). So, this Dawn and I have a lot in common; we’re both writers, we’re both adorable, we’re both outspoken about mental health, and care about women’s issues, etc. We’ve met in person briefly but I’ve also talked one on one with her several times online and through email.

I wasn’t quite sure what to do next or how to even tell her that I’d like to get to know her better, because I didn’t want to come off as creepy or weird, but I’m super awkward so I can’t guarantee that still didn’t happen despite my best efforts. So, I went my usual route and just told the truth (well, not about the crush part). I asked if I could get to know her better and was semi-rejected. She said we could be online friends. So I guess, not a no in many ways, but also yes a very firm no.

Which I totally get, we live in different parts of the country, even though our paths cross often, and from the outside I probably just seem like a weird awkward fan of some sort. So, it is what is. But now I don’t know what to do. I feel weird interacting with her online. Also, I can’t help but feel like if maybe I were more on her level career-wise, she might have given me more of a chance at us getting to know each other, even as just friends – which is totally fine. I’m aware that I’m a nobody right now with big dreams and a life in transition, but that won’t always be the case.

So, here’s to hoping. Here’s to continuing to respect her and her work and hoping that maybe one day, when we’re more evenly matched, our paths will cross again and she’ll see me, instead of seeing through me. i-love-dreaming-daydreaming-20470827-500-280

 

Just Random Thoughts

Alright folks, I’m only 18 days away from being free from my lease and moving out of the apartment I’ve lived in for the past 3 years! Next stop is crashing in a room at my brother’s house until mid to late April (I have to stick around for a wedding and baby shower).
And then…I’m out. It’s so close but still too far away and the excitement is really starting to creep in. So, yay!

I’m not sure what’s going to come next yet, I’m just taking it a day at a time right now; working, packing, and saving as much money as possible. To be honest, I feel like this move is kind of a Hail Mary for me. Things have been so dark and difficult lately that the only way out right now is to make a drastic change and completely remove myself from my comfort zone.
So, here goes nothing.

Also, I’ve been having a hard time writing lately. It’s a destructive cycle too because when I don’t write I feel listless, unfulfilled, and lazy, and when I do write I feel accomplished, happy, content. And yet there are so many times when no matter how much I want to write, I can’t bring myself to sit down and do it. So I guess that’s something I want to work on this year, maybe setting a schedule that I can stick to in order to train myself to sit down and write more often.
Either way I need to step up my game in a lot of areas in my life, because I turn 30 this year and while I’m not anxious or upset about it, there are a lot of things I want to do before that day comes.

Choices

I had three choices when I woke up this morning. I could not write at all. I could write something fluffy and pretend to feel better than I do today. Or..I could tell the truth. 
In most cases in my life, I prefer the truth above all else, no matter how awful. But that doesn’t mean that anyone else cares about MY truth, especially when it’s steeped in depression. My first instinct this morning was to keep it to myself. Except, that’s what I’ve been doing, for years, and it isn’t working. So maybe being open about it will help, at the very least, be different than keeping it in. 

The truth is, today is hard. Despite some crazy, but interesting and almost fun, dreams, I woke up in a dark place. Anxiety about moving ruminated in my mind and a depression settled over me so heavily, I didn’t want to move. 

My first thought was, i don’t want to move to TX. Not because I don’t want to live there, I do, but because I’m going to have to have roommates, which will require me to interact with people and be around them a million times more than I do now. While I know in my head that this is actually a good thing, something I need, I wasn’t feeling it this morning. 

Now some people might be concerned at those thoughts. “Are you having second thoughts on moving?” “Are you going to stay?” “Are you afraid it’s not really want you want?” No. To all 3, no. And here’s why….

I know myself well enough by now to, usually, know when it’s the depression talking. And that was confirmed when I realized that my thought process this morning wasn’t just “I don’t want to move apts,” it was also “I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or live anywhere or talk to anyone.” So yeah, bit of a red flag. 

For awhile I was starting to feel better and a lot of the time I still do, but every once in awhile the lingering black cloud will make an appearance and I’ll find myself going through the motions of a normal human. 

So, I dunno what I hope to accomplish with this, other than to pull back the veil a little and be more open about what’s really going on, be it for myself or for others who might feel similarly. I’m not going to give up, no matter how awful it feels today, but instead will try to counteract the sad by listening to comedy or getting lost in a book. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. 

I’m going to die alone.

So, I started talking to this girl a few days ago, who is my exact opposite in every way, which is cool, fine, not a deal breaker. The problem is that I have a hard time relating to people, especially when they have certain characteristics or, in this case, are just flat out racists, which I didn’t find out until today, but that’s another story.

This girl and I, we’ll call her Jackie, have been texting back and forth for about a week. There are a few minor red flags, nothing to worry too much about at first, until she started messaging me yesterday. Unprompted, Jackie sent me 10 separate text messages explaining that she’d gotten into a fight with her friend’s family because they said something mean to her and she threatened to beat them up, and nobody should poke the bear. There was a winky face in there somewhere too but honestly I stopped reading after 2 messages of what looked like a plot line from Jerry Springer.
Her last message of the bunch said, and I’m quoting here, “aren’t you glad I put that bitch in her place?”

I just stared at my phone, mildly disgusted. Uhh…no, I thought. What is even happening? In what world would I be happy that one, you’re calling this girl a bitch, two, you’re fighting with someone over something stupid in a really undignified way, and three, you threatened physical violence on her. Oh yes! Throw me over  your shoulder and take me to your cave, madam, I can’t wait! NOOOOOOO.

Instead of responding to these messages, I picked up my phone using the tips of my thumb and middle finger and tossed it on the seat next to me because frankly I was a little grossed out and afraid that my phone had somehow been contaminated by the whole situation. I never responded to her question.

Fast forward to the next day, yesterday, when she started texting me again. Instead of a greeting or a good morning text, she opened with a “so when are we going to hook up?” text. Classy, I know. And I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with stuff like this when I started dating women. *sigh*
I was annoyed by then, and still completely put off and turned off, by yesterday’s conversation, but I decided to answer anyways. I responded with something along the lines of “I don’t know, it would be something we would have to work towards.”

Jackie was not a fan. She decided it was a good idea to follow up with “it’s not like I need permission, it’s hotter when you just take what you want.”
Okay so, logically, I knew what she was trying to say, but that would require me to give her the benefit of the doubt, which I didn’t feel much like doing. So, I pressed the issue.

“Um, no. You need consent. In any and all situations.”

She sent an eye roll emoji and explained that obviously she wasn’t just going to go around grabbing people, and then somehow Donald Trump was brought into the conversation and his tendency to “grab” things without permission. Let me tell you, nothing kills a mood faster than bringing up Donald Trump. Not that there was a mood to kill in the first place because, please, that is not happening, but you get the point.

Needless to say, I have no intention of ever hanging out with this person, let alone hooking up with them. I’m sorry this post is so long but I felt the need to demonstrate the kind of people that apparently I’m attracting. Honestly, if this is all there is out there and I can’t just find a nice, feminist, butch woman that doesn’t want to fight people or send semi-rapey text messages, then I’m more than happy to die alone. Besides, by that time I’ll have a few dogs and a cat or two by my side and who’s to say it’s not way better to die surrounded by animals than by people who might suck?

 

Guess who’s back…

Shady’s back, back again…
Okay now I have that song stuck in my head.

Anyways, I’m sure my 2.5 followers have missed my posts dearly, so I wanted to assure you all that I’m back now that the holidays are over. I’m also changing my posting schedule to Mon, Wed, Fri, so you all know when to anxiously await my posts. Just kidding, I know I’m probably talking to myself here, but I’ve made my peace with that.

So, I’m happy to note that already, even after just a week, 2017 already feels different to me. Maybe because it’s finally the year I make a huge change and move to Austin, TX in April. Maybe it’s because I’m finally getting out of my solitary apartment which has been a symbol of loneliness and depression over the past year. Maybe it’s because I stopped eating sugar and added sugar! Who knows.

What matters is that I feel better, and I’m grateful for it. The occasional depression relapse hits me still but it hasn’t been as frequent or as intense. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy trying to get everything in order and working to save money for TX that I’m keeping the dark thoughts at bay by sheer will.  Whatever it is, whatever the change, I’m not going to question it. I’m going to enjoy the little bit of light that has found its way into my mind with the turning of the calendar and ride it for as long as I can.

Happy New Year everyone!